Monday, May 18, 2009

Deja Vu?

Geneva (Grandpa's girlfriend) calls today and says that her daughter, who is 32 weeks along with twin boys has been put on bedrest at home. She then says "it's like deja vu". Is what happened to me and what is happening to her that close? She is 75% effaced and her doc feels like she could deliver anytime. They want to get her to 36 weeks.
I hope over time that I will forget about the whole pregnancy/hospitalization thing. You would think, now that it's all over, that I would be able to move on and forget what happened. But I can't. I don't dwell on it but it's very hard to think about. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling fearful. I just want to forget about it. Sometimes just seeing a pregnant woman makes my stomach hurt. There's a bit of jealous as well.
Kinda hard to move on with the daily phone calls from providers asking for payment. My insurance company is "looking into it". Wonderful! It's gonna be hanging over our heads for months that the claim may be denied. You gotta love the EOBs that explain the $50k and the $91k bills. Woowee! I think this will be costing someone several hundred thousand. Hopefully it's not us!!!
It's strange to know that I don't have a choice as to whether I want more kids or not. It's like a right, the right to bare children, as many as I want, has been taken away. I know it's a crazy thought, since we have 3 children under 5, and well, I am older than the dr's like pregnant women to be....but...I always thought it would be my decision.
I have so, so many bins of baby clothes. It's sad thinking that they are sitting there, waiting to be put on some cutie baby. I need to have a huge garage sale and get rid of it all. Just get rid of it.
When I went to my 6 week checkup, my specialist told me that although I have no uterus, and will have no monthly cycle, that I will get all the symptoms that go with the monthly visitor. I will still get moody and cranky. And I won't even know when it's coming, lol. Well, thanks for that!! I have a feeling part of the reason this blog is such a downer has to do with hormones. At least, I sure hope so, LOL!
So, now that I have whined and complained... I'm gonna hold my sleeping baby and think of sweet things :).


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